Now that we’ve been living in a van for almost four weeks, we’ve learned a few tricks and tips. Here’s what we know so far:
1. Free Wi-Fi.
It’s necessary and wonderful. Good Wi-Fi can be found in public libraries and Coffee Beans. Bad Wi-Fi can be found at Barnes & Noble. Unless, of course, Barnes & Noble wants to pay me to say otherwise….because why wouldn’t they want to sponsor a blog about bumming off their free Wi-Fi?
2. Virtual Closet
I still go into work every day. And people there don’t know I live in a van. I like to keep it that way by looking decent (read smokin’ hot). Without a closet, it can be tough to pick out an outfit. SO before packing the van, I took a picture of every piece of clothing. In the morning I scroll through my pictures and decide what to wear. I call it the Virtual Closet. Brilliant? Potential for an app or something? Shark Tank? Come on! The only entity willing to pay this bum is the government, and we’re still in negotiations.
3. Fine Dining
For fine dining on a budget try bottomless salad and breadsticks at Olive Garden, split the Tour de Italy and try not to reveal your master plan. When the waitress asks if you’d like more breadsticks and salad, pretend to be sort of surprised by the suggestion. Look at each other and shrug like, “Well sure…I guess why not.” Then shove it down as fast as possible so she’ll ask again next time she comes around. Rinse and repeat.
Really though, food is our Achilles heal and we need to figure out a better way to eat healthy for cheap. Suggestions welcome.
4. Hair Care
To keep beauty maintenance to a minimum, twist your hair into a coil at night. In the morning take it out nice and slow with a sultry toss for all the other van dwellers to admire. Pretend you’re in a 90’s movie where the unexpected hobo girl turns out to be a real beauty– that is after she takes her transformative glasses off.
5. Being a creep
Living in a van makes you feel like a creep on the daily. But when you wake up, open the blinds and discover there’s a youth volleyball tournament happening right outside your door, you start to believe it could be true. When this happens, remind yourself you don’t have a record, you don’t have any restraining orders, and you don’t have anything to hide. Well except yourself. Because you are homeless and you’re living in a van that has blinds.